Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. At work? Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. Im going to disagree with your last sentence. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). Yes. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Talk with your partner about why hedidnt invite you along onthe trip. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. My mom too! People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). Do I refuse to go to save my marriage or go on the trip and try to keep good stance in my company? Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. I have developed similar coping strategies and work very hard not to allow my brains bad wiring to negatively affect those that I love. Yes, its off the strip, but my room was GIGANTIC. Should I never go anywhere? I would hate to see that whatever reassurances/checking in could have a negative impact on how you are perceived in your office. If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! How To Travel Alone Without Ruining Your Marriage! I dont much care for Vegas. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. I agree with your husband .. Sorry Sketch, that wasnt aimed specifically at you. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. In many cities, there are few or no options to indulge in these vices, certainly not legally! When one leaves, its done! Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Usluge graevinskih radova niskogradnje. From so many comments above, what people are missing here is that none of us knows whether the LWs husband is an anxiety sufferer or a control freak. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. This makes me MAD. Well the place was built by mobsters to skin the rubes in casinos . Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. Its been 12 years for me. She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. Boss was happily married, and both he and his wife treated me like a daughter. Same here. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) Also, they have very little money, so we are . Talk about what services you provide. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. Sometimes they go on a similar trip for birthdays etc. Sometimes, well go together on business trips (one of us taking it as vacation) this isnt something you can do every time, but it also seems to help him tremendously, especially on his own business travel. Its tough but definitely not impossible. My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. Props to you for doing the hard work of managing this problem. Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. Dont engage with his arguments. This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. He made her upset the entire trip last time. The duration of the vacation. I think it was just awkward phrasing and the intent of the update meant his friends objected to the very idea of letting their spouse go to Vegas. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. Thanks. They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. I would probably choose being single over him. My bf and I traveled for work constantly. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. I wear a light, carry a phone, and stay in my neighborhood where I know whats normal and whats not til the sun goes up. The more I advance in my company, an the more trips I take, the harder it gets. I definitely recommend Captain Awkward too for assistancence (she, Allison, and Doctor Nerdlove need to be together one day). I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. Unless hes got super-deep anxiety, how do you just kind of throw out but you might CHEAT on me if you go to Sin City!! All rights reserved. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). Thats what I was thinking. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. In either case though, go on the trip. Sometimes, well even travel to the same city together, but then spit up and hang out with two completely separate groups of friends. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). Im certain he is imagining some lawless back alley den of sin. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? Sin City. Marriage counseling and perhaps some counseling for him personally. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. I gave the ring back soon after. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. Going to the store and picking out our own groceries is the easiest thing in the world for us. You are right! Willing to bet that OPs husband, regardless of whats behind his behavior, is one of those. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. This gives me hope that one day Ill have that too! If this is a regular occurrence, it could be indicative of a larger problem, such as marital strife. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. You also cannot learn anything while youre in a state of fear. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? I think Alison handled it extremely well answering the direct AAM-style question (go on the trip for business reasons) while noting the disturbing indicators about marriage that require that kind of outside advice. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. -03-2022, 0 Comments Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. We did a family vacation to Vegas about six years ago (were about a 4-5 hour drive away). He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. So I get the safety concern. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. Him: I ignored it. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. Keep in mind that your partner is occasionally on edge, as being polite throughout an entire family trip can feel like a job." AKA: Don't be surprised if your partner gets moody. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. It is easy to go to Las Vegas and behave responsibly. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. Yes, this. Plus, I like to travel so it was a good excuse. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? I trusted him, he was fine. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. Ive been to far more dangerous places. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. Mom freaked out, but fortunately for me, my Dad was there to help and reassure her AND wed had enough family counseling after my teenage years that I knew how to set boundaries. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. Menu. If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. OK! I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. But, sometimes there are letters that just make me want to scream. And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. Japan is absurdly safe, even if that is no comfort to people when something bad does happen. I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. It might even be a wonderful idea, under the right circumstances. Can we leave this here rather than derailing on it? And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. Fiance knew this, but he was taking no chances. I say go for it! When does his flight land? I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). Divorce is a valid option, if you choose to go down that road. I still think he worries about my safety a bit too much (and whoa, good Im not headed to war zones at this point in my career! I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. Good luck to you both. Youre adults. Also, in some (not all) work situations, it would be quite weird and out of step for someone to bring their spouse along. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. Marriage should be about love, not control. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. All of us can comment all we want about how innocuous this trip is, and how much of an overreaction this is, but it doesnt change the facts from where youre sitting. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. Good luck, Emma. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because there are tons of conference rooms, hotel rooms, and restaurants, and its easy to get a direct flight there from virtually anywhere in the country, not because there is some bizarre motive to break up marriages or cause scandals among employees. Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. Yup, wholeheartedly agree. Sounds great. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. We took turns driving and stopped whenever we needed to fill up with gas or have a break, and if LO started crying and needed to be fed, we'd stop then, too. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. July 3 2022. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationwhere is ryan blankenship today. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. Tell your husband to get a grip, and then yes, get some counseling to get over this anxiety. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. Its just unacceptable. But if theyre just attending as a participant, they wont be working 20 hours a day. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. I obviously dont TELL people I have these thoughts because it tends to freak people out! She Won't Tell Her Husband the Gender of Their Baby Because He Refused OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcynon valley history. I dont let him go on trips because we dont manage each others lives like that, but I do support his career and any travel that entails even if its stressful for me. I asked three people: Me, myself, and I. If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. But no gambling! Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. I go there once or twice a year for my relaxing vacation. Again, not a concern for either of us. I dont want men to dismiss womens fears, but I have personally had more experience with the opposite men deciding to tell me why I cant/shouldnt do something adventurous. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. We are the City That Never Sleeps, remember? Setting up for a convention and working it and then the take down. Kids are the most common reason for this sort of thing, but other caretaking responsibilities can also lead to spouses being very accountable to each other for their whereabouts. Is that an issue as well? My *70 year-old* cousins house. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. You can make decisions for yourself! I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why.